done and dusted

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News

Scandal claims another head

Following the news that David Norris has withdrawn from his bid to become Eire’s first ever openly gay President, potential future candidates for the DUP leadership have been told today that their prospects could be damaged if it ever emerged that they wrote letters seeking leniency for 60 year old women who had sex with a 19 year old cafe owners.

Sammy Wilson was remaining tight lipped after he emerged from the meeting and seemed to brush a tear away from his rosy cheeks as he muttered “well, that’s that, then”. Jeffrey Donaldson was likewise subdued, however, Nigel Dodds seemed cock-a-hoop and ordered a magnum of Schloer from the bar and drank it all in one go while dancing a merry little jig.

A star is reborn

Newry born Rose Marie stunna is set for Hollywood fame because she has just landed the leading role in a new film based on the life of the late Diana, Princess of Wales. In this controversial, fictionalised adaption, Rose Marie will play Diana McGrunt, a Newry housewife who is trapped in a loveless marriage to Charlie McGrunt – the scion of the norotious cigarette and booze smuggling McGrunt family. Diana’s real dream is to work in the local St. Vincent de Paul, but her dreams are continually foiled by her evil in-laws. Eventually she can take it no more and runs off with a Romanian Big Issue vendor. But just as she has finally found happiness, her father in law accidentally runs her over in his tractor outside the chip shop in glamorous Poyntzpass.

Charlie will be played by local man former Irish Teacup Biffo, Philip will be played by Sean Rafferty and the part of mother in law Liz  has been landed by none other than May McFettridge.

New TV Show

A brand new action drama is coming soon to BBC 1 Northern Ireland. “The Cooks of Hillsborough” stars a wealth of local talent and centres on a local family – Sammy, Jeffrey and Iris Cook who are constantly trying to evade the evil Sheriff John Pee Pee O’Dowd and the Boss Allister. Lots of car chases, lots of fun for all the family!

Our heroes

Boo!

Slack-jawed yokel

Europe in chaos & other news

Europe rent asunder

"sure look at the cut of him!"

The continent of Europe was thrown into a big chaossy chaos today when it emerged that Patsy McGlone will challenge Margaret Ritchie for the leadership of the SDLP. In Paris, students immediately manned the barricades and French air traffic controllers are tonight deciding whether to go on strike or not. Nicolas Sarkozy is due to address the nation later this evening, when he is expected to say something along the lines of “Hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hoh-SDLP-hoh-hee-hoh Patsy McGlone Merde!”.

Meanwhile in Athens, the people temporarily forgot their financial woes  and set fire to the Parthenon in protest at McGlone’s treacherous act.

Elsewhere on the continent, Belgians did something that nobody cares about and the German Parliament discussed whether to send troops into Poland in order to force McGlone from this evil path.

Mrs. Ritchie, who was keen to show her leadership qualities, urged the continent to calm down, lest the battered Euro suffer any further at the hands of currency speculators. However, her mask soon slipped when she was asked about her opponent, “McGlone’s nothing but a big, fat Lundy, he’s a nobody and the next time I see him, I’ll deck the bastard, so I will”.

A First

There were wild celebrations in Portadown today as the Province’s first ever “6 fingered glove shop” opened for business. There were queue’s all down the high street as local folk attempted to buy some of the quality wares on offer. The new store, which also sells special socks and condoms for the town’s inbred elite, is owned by Mr. Hughie Green and he was full of pride and enthusiasm about the venture when we spoke to him earlier. “I’m  already planning new outlets in Rathfriland, Donaghcloney, Dromore, Newry and Banbridge, but Lurgan will be a tough nut to crack as the people there just don’t agree with inbreeding”.

An appeal for common sense

An emotional Peter Robinson today appeared before Stormont MLAs and staff and appealed for their cooperation. Speaking in a strained and occasionally inaudible voice Mr. Robinson said that the First and Deputy First Ministers’ bathroom was private and for their use only. Close to breaking point, he revealed that a person or persons unknown had recently started using this private facility and had somehow managed to block the toilet on four occasions with their “big dirties”.  Stepping in at this point, Mr. McGuinness warned those assembled that if such a foul event ever happened again, he would make “damned sure” that all Stormont toilets apart from his would in future only be stocked with “the shiny bog roll that you used to get in 1970′s public toilets”. An armed guard has now been placed outside the bathroom in question.

Some good news

And on a brighter note to end the news, we can happily announce that Education Minister  John O’Dowd was able to count up to 14 today without any help or prompting from his nurse. Well done, John!

MLA participation at Belfast Gay Pride

Yesterday at Belfast’s Gay Pride march, members of Northern Ireland’s LGBT community were joined by a delegation of MLAs who wished show support for their fellow citizens and hopefully win a few votes in the process. Although it was hardly necessary, some of them dressed up in order to make their expression of solidarity all the more meaningful. Let’s hear it from the MLAs themselves:

Jeffrey Donaldson

“Well, I put a lot of time and effort into my outfit and in the end I thought that going as a sailor would be for the best. All the boys love a sailor, and all the girls too! So I’m here to support all the bisexuals who are here – sometimes they tend to get a bit neglected and that’s unfair”.

John O’Dowd

“I decided to go dressed up as Kylie because she is a gay icon. If I play my cards right, I could also become a gay icon in addition to my status as the MLA most women would like to give a blow job to”

David Ford

“I just love the Pride march and I’m so glad to be here. I decided to wear my special Elton John specs and just for the hell of it, I got a few piercings. But you can only see one of them when I have my clothes on, tee hee!”

Martina Anderson

“Seeing as I look like a drag queen most of the time anyway, I decided not to dress up and just go as myself”

Jim Allister

“Fuck yeh! pump up the volume, pump up the volume, pump up the volume, huh, huh! let’s vogue! Here mate, you got any more of them there poppers?”

Catriona Ruane

“My LGBT friends said that I’d blend in perfectly well even if I didn’t dress up, so I didn’t and you know what? The ladies were all very attentive”.

Sammy Wilson

“I just love the Village People, especially their big hit and all the other big hits they had. So, inspired by them, I thought I’d grow a big Lech Walensa moustache for the day. I stole the police cap from Hugh Ordre many years ago and I’m glad I finally have the opportunity to wear it!”

Martin McGuinness

“As a life long socialist, I simply had to show my steadfast solidarity with working class, rough trade rent boys. And I’m tellin ye, I wasn’t short of offers on the big day. Vote Sinn Fein – our gay will come!”

 Peter Robinson

“I just love Pete Burns from Dead or Alive – he spins me right round like a record. As a tribute to Pete, I got myself a stupid big trout pout and an improbably blacker than black wig. Iris loves the new look, by the way”.

Furthermore, for the first time ever in the Belfast Pride March, there was a delegation from the Orange Order. They proved to be a popular attraction who later wowed the crowd when they played flute arrangements of Jimmy Somerville’s greatest hits

News in brief

Red under the bed

Former First Minister Ian Paisley is expected to be interviewed by Special Branch in the next few days as a result of allegations that he was a Soviet spy between 1965 and 1990. According to the source of this information, Dr. Paisley was known to his handlers by the code-name “Gob”  and was made a KGB Colonel towards the end of the cold war. One consolation for shocked members of the Free Presbyterian Church is that the firebrand preacher was apparently motivated  to betray his country by political conviction, rather than by an attraction to homosexual Cambridge graduates. The important secrets Paisley divulged to his Moscow masters are said to include:

• The secret recipe for cookstown sausages
• Dana’s bra size
• The reason why Portadown people smell
• How to get from Dromore to Rathfriland without driving on roads plastered with cow shite

When asked for his reaction to these allegations, Dr. Paisley simply shouted something in Ballymena-ish and then loudly sang “Abide with me” down the phone. So we hung up on him.

Jim Allister comes out

In an alarming development, Jim Allister today admitted that he is a mutant cyborg. Clearly unemotional, Mr. Allister told a press conference that coming clean was big weight of his CPU and that he hoped it would encourage Reg Empey and Gerry Kelly to come out of their own silicon closets. Mr. Allister denied suggestions that he uses his computer powers to surf the internet for porn during Stormont debates, although he did admit that he sometimes peruses the Daily Mail website for interesting facts about immigrants, women, foreigners and poofs so that he could better prepare himself for a witty and informed speech. Tom Elliott was among the many MLAs who were not surprised by the news. Speaking to us confidentially, Mr. Elliott said “well, this explains Jim’s lack of empathy for other people, his social awkwardness, his inability to relate to others’, his lack of charm, his poor sense of humour, his strange Castrol GTX aroma, his mental inflexibility, his jerky movements, his apparent disinterest in our many busty secretaries, his clammy hands, his endless energy, his mechanical speech patterns and his poor table manners. But apart from that, he’s OK I suppose”.

In his closing remarks at the press conference, Mr. Allister insisted that he “will be back”, much to the disappointment of those attending.

Sports Day

This year’s Stormont annual sports day will be held on August 6th this year. The Culture Department will be organising the event as usual and Minister Carál Ní Chuilín (pronounced “Carol Cholera”) expects both a large turnout and a fun day for all. All MLA’s are expected to participate and of the many hotly contested events, most eyes will be on the sausage roll eating competition which Mark Durkin is expected to win for the third year in a row. Other competitions include:

• The reversing tractor and slurry tank 100 yard steeplechase
• Speed forging signatures on DHSS forms
• Who has the lowest IQ?
• Egg and Armalite race
• Clay stool pigeon shooting
• Train stoning
• Endurance hymn singing
• Long distance pontificating

So come along to Stormont if you can bear the excitement. Entry is free, bring your own Schloer and buckfast!

The MLA Makeover Event

Gok

Recently, as part of an Executive “team building” initiative, TV´s Gok Wan was invited to Stormont to give selected MLAs a well deserved makeover. This congenial 5 day working meeting in Jamaica strengthened the already strong bonds between MLAs and will thus contribute to both good good the governance of, and lasting peace in, Northern Ireland. All participants stated that the event was well worth the £83,000 it cost, not least because they were given some very useful tips on how to present themselves in public. Let’s see how they got on, take it away Gok!

Peter Robinson

There is nothing basically wrong with Peter’s look apart from the fact that Iris clearly does not like it. Let’s face the cold, hard truth here, if your significant other finds you attractive he or she does not run off with a boy-toy with a stupid name. I spent about two hours with Peter and finally decided that we should bear Iris’ age in mind when coming up with a new image. And this is the main reason why I plumped for a 1970′s macho man look for Peter. I think he looks incredibly sexy now and could probably replace one of the Bee Gees if he wanted to.

Martin McGuiness

What to do about Martin? He’s not one of nature’s Greek Gods, is he? But despite that, he’s really quite a sweetie. Here are some of the things he told me during our afternoon together:

He likes puppies.

He never does pee pee in the swimming pool.

He regularly gives to charity.

He does not believe in the death penalty.

He thinks than Bernard Manning is scum.

All very commendable, but the fact remains that Martin is a gangster which is why I have given him a New York mafia Don wig.

Tom Elliott

Let’s face it, Tom Elliott is not a popular boy, but I at least tried to make him look good with his clothes on. I tried many different tactics with Tom but in the end I realised that the best way to approach this conundrum was to hide as much of his face as possible. Luckily, this tactic resulted in making him look like Dave Stewart out of the 1980′s hit band The Eurythmics. I know that this image is a little too modern for Tom’s core vote, but at least he now looks like someone who is generally liked by people under 60.

Jeffrey Donaldson

I loved this guy, we hit it off immediately and by the end of our three days together alone in the same room I felt as if I’d known him all my life. But he is a shy kind of kitten and I decided that he needed a mask to hide behind, but it had to be something glamorous to help bring him out of his shell. He just loved what we came up with and to be honest, Jeff contributed most of the ideas to the final look. Doesn’t he look fantastic?

Look, I know that reading all this text is difficult for you when you have so much else to do, so why don’t I just place the rest of the photos below for you to look at. I am sure you will agree that your MLAs are now much more attractive than they used to be!

Michelle O'Neill - all she needed was some slap

Nelson really suits this hobo look,I think it represents his inner self.

Good old Conor Murphy! A Justin Bieber hairdo for the Justin Bieber of Stormont. Simples!

The elder statesman look for towering genius Sammy. What else?

All Jim Allister needed was some hair and bingo - he's a fox!

Ay oop, lass! The Amos Brearly look is just perfect for the Reverend Doctor!

Only cosmetic surgery could help John O'Dowd. A vast improvement, in my opinion.

Well, I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did, it was simple a pleasure working with such wonderful, charming, charismatic and attractive people. Northern Ireland – you are very lucky to have them!!!!

Gay Pride

Not a statement issued by Mr. Jim Wells MLA

This weekend there will be a Gay “Pride” march in Belfast. We live in a free country, so there’s not much I can do about that.

However, I note with dismay and disgust that this bunch of perverts and pederasts have been given a £2,000 grant. That’s taxpayers money. Not only does the public have to watch this parade but they have to pay for it as well. Having all this homosexuality stuffed down your throat perhaps signifies that this is not such a free country after all.

It’s a crying shame, is it not, that the working taxpayer has to subsidise a parade which celebrates sodomy and other perversions? Moreover, why would these gays and lesbians want to strut their sinful ways in public and actually admit that they are morally corrupt? What kind of sickness would provoke a man into admitting that he would like to tenderly kiss another man and then sensually rub baby oil into his soft warm skin by candlelight? I must admit, I am curious about homosexuality – what is the attraction of lying naked in bed beside another naked man in a Swiss alpine cabin which has a roaring fire in the corner? Why would they want to do that? or share a bottle of champagne naked in a jacuzzi?

I would certainly not want to be massaged slowly and teasingly by a muscular black man in a luxury hotel in St. Tropez and neither would I want to feel his hot, sweet breath on my neck just as he straddled me and began pleasuring us both in a carefree, adventurous and joyful act of love while his friends looked on.

Some people say that I doth protest too much about homosexuality, but I say that the people of Ulster do not protest enough. I hope to see you at the counter demonstration on Saturday where we can make a stand against this kind of thing.

Enough is enough!

Holy Toast

Holy Jim Toast

The Assembly discussed religious matters yesterday in a heated debate about divine miracles. This unusual topic was tabled by Arlene Foster after she discovered an image of Jim Allister on her toast.
Mrs. Foster’s claim was greeted with derision at first but skepticism soon turned to stunned acceptance when Edwin Poots produced photographic evidence of the relic. Luckily he had managed to take a picture of the bit of toast just before Mrs. Foster had smeared it with Dairylea.
Inside the chamber, Jim Allistair claimed that the “holy toast” was a divine message which proved that the Almighty was a TUV man. This assertion was hotly contested by the other MLAs who took the view that the toast in question was actually the work of the devil.
Ultimately, the motion “Jim Allister is an instrument of Satan” was passed by 123 votes to 1.

Northern Ireland offers condolences to Norway

It is with great sadness and much regret that I, David Ford, must make this sad and regretful statement on behalf of the people or Northern Ireland to the people of Norway. We in Northern Ireland have lived through our own troubles, but we have survived. However, I think it’s fair to say that, we are a stronger and yet lesser people as a result. I imagine that it is the same in Norway right now. But with more fish and a few more big blonde lasses.

Hyurgen Fyurgen, or whatever he was called, committed a dastardly deed at the weekend, let there be no doubt. But isn’t he also a victim? does he not also deserve pity and support? Does he not also deserve compassion? Mass murder is a terrible thing, but it remains a fact that Hyurgen Fyurgen must be released on parole. If it works for Ulster’s rapists, it’ll work for Hyurgen. He will not murder anyone else, he will not go on another drug-fuelled rampage, he will not so much as harm a fly. You have my word on this matter. And I know these things because I am a very important man.

More to the point, we have discussed this issue around the Stormont table over the past few days and we have come up with a very clever plan for Norway’s future:

1. Release Hyurgen Fyurgen from jail.

2. Hold a referendum. Anyone who does not agree with being nice to Hyurgen Fyurgen will be labelled as being against peace.

3. Put Hyurgen Fyurgen in government. Something silly like education or health will be an okay position for him to start with.

4. As soon as the money starts flowing, Hyurgen will behave.

5. Problem solved.

I think this sensible approach – this sensible Nobel Prize winning approach – is the best way forward for Norway right now. All moral people must surely agree and anyone who differs will hopefully fall victim to the wrath of Mo Mowlam’s ghost.

Go Norway, yes you can!

Best wishes

David Ford.